I try to make this blog an encouragement for those reading it and following it, but at the same time, this is my personal walk with the Lord, and as I have promised from the beginning, I make no false pretenses about my life. I will not not wear my church-face in front of you all. I want you all to know every aspect of my walk, the good and the bad, the dirty, and the nitty-gritty. The latter of which is the context of the following post, and yet as John 16:20-24 suggests, there is joy among the anguish. I hope to give you all joy, through my anguish, hope through my trials. For the sake of you who suffer what I am currently suffering, I include the Biblical truths, but at the same time, here is exactly how I am feeling right now…
I feel like a ghost to the people I throw myself at to serve; a whisper in their a ear, merely a shadow on the wall (yet God still sees me. See study on Luke 19:3,5).
I feel like I make no affect in the lives of people I commit myself to. They continue to live their lives as if I never existed, living as they always did before I came onto the scene (but God needed me there. Rom19:7). I am not even a reason for my loved one to wake up in the morning. I am not a reason for him to keep on living. I am not a reason for him to move out of his craphole of a situation, nor out of a craphole job. I am not enough drive for any change. My presence in his life is not a reason to budge (at least this is how I feel). But God says I am the sower, He supplies the seed (2Cor9:10).
I feel like I am no one’s pivotal moment, like so many have been in my life. Yet somehow I know this is untrue; Many have come forward to tell me how I have affected their life. For that, I am most grateful, and so I am conflicted as to why I feel like I haven’t made a contribution. My only thought is that it is simply my current circumstances that causes me to jump to such a wild untruthful conclusion. Same for the following:
I feel like I am no one’s missing piece. No one wants to invest in me, commit to me, dedicate themselves to making a change in me, as I desire to do for so many others… Now this I know is untrue, as that would discredit my mother, and the many loving people at my church who I can go to to build me up. But I think I feel this way, because the people that I seek to be their missing piece, see no significance in my contributions to them. The word of God confirms the truth: I am a light to the world, a city on the hill (Matt5:13-16), I am a jar of clay, spreading the light of God into the world (2Corinth4:7).
I am made for no one…
When I got to this last one, it hit me… In my anguish and pain, God was allowing me to be broken down to nothingness, so from there He can show me the truth. He broke away everything I considered to be my identity. At this point in my life, I feel like I have given up on my art, my identity as a professional artist, my identity in the furry community, and now my identity as a mentor, teacher, and even helper. I say “I am NOTHING now, God, created for no one, for no purpose.” But now I feel like God is saying “Good. Now I can finally work with you.” Because God is not done with me yet (Phil1:6)
He shows me in Ephesians 1:4-6, that He created me, not for the service of man, not to be someone’s helper, not to be a samaritan… but He created me to be His beloved.
I just want you to repeat that with me, because if it strikes a chord with you, you should say it out loud. “He created me to be His beloved.” That means He didn’t create you for your employer, He didn’t create you for your spouse/loved one, He didn’t even create you for your family. Now for some of you in a loving family, that may make you uncomfortable, but for those of you who come from a broken family full of broken relationships, these are the words that will set you free. God created you unto Himself. He created us to love us.
((Now some of you may contest this with Old Testament examples of God’s wrath upon man, but God didn’t stop there. Wrath came because sin entered the world, but God reconciled us unto Himself through Jesus, that was Jesus’ purpose (2Cor5:18-19, John 3:17, Eph1:7). We can now enjoy the relationship God intended for us since the Garden of Eden. ))
Man, just writing this blog has helped me incredibly. I truly don’t feel like those things I typed up there… XD Funny the way that works, huh? God says “Go ahead, try to vent it out, and I’ll show you the truth.”
I conclude with this; if you could know only one command God gave us, it is this: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. (Matt22:37, Mark12:33)” That does not mean throw out the rest, but I am saying chronologically, “Love God with all you heart, mind and soul, THEN love your neighbor as you do yourself.” This is the natural order of God.
Are you exhausting yourself, as I have been my whole life, committing to people, dedicating yourself into helping people, investing in getting to know people, trying to obey/follow others, and trying to complete your loved one? Instead, do what we were created to do and commit to God, dedicate yourself to helping God, invest in knowing God, obey and follow God, and let God complete you. When you do it in His proper order, loving God first with all your heart, mind, and soul, you’ll find that the loving your neighbor part will just flow as a fruit of your relationship with God.
…………..man, I really need to start reading my own blog 9.9
This topic is so close to home, because it’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life. I am a very open person. I prefer people to confront me when they have a problem with me, and I have been known to confront people when I have a problem with them. For this reason, I have repelled many people. But I love bluntness, frankness and honesty, and loath pussy-footing, beating around the bush, and passive aggressiveness. It’s just the way I am. I have strongly opinionated, and have lost many friends because of it, and have started many intense arguments due to my opinions. People have said of me that I am pushy, and that I “force my opinions on others.” I don’t see it as such, but it must be in my nature. So I tell you this from my perspective, the things God has been showing me.
It’s called “transferrence” when you place your own expectations on another person. “He should do this, because I would do it.” “They should be offended, because it offends me.” “If he loved me, he would love the things I love, and hate the things I hate.” The latter of which is so unhealthy in a relationship. Love isn’t about doing what the other person does. That’s called mimicking, and what’s so grand about that? If you love a person, you respect what the other person believes, does, and how they behave despite how different it is from how YOU believe, do, and behave. But more than just in the sake of relationships, this truth is important for your own mental health.
Maybe you’re like me, but have you ever had someone who just rains on your parade? You’re excited about something, and you go to show the other person, and they’re like “Meh.” Then you get butthurt and offended and then they get offended that YOU’RE offended, then the whole day is ruined because they couldn’t just rejoice with you. Yes, it says in Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn,” but that doesn’t mean they have to exist in your paradigm of the situation. The greek for rejoice is chairó, “I rejoice, am glad; also a salutation: Hail” and the greek for mourn is klaió, “I weep, weep for, mourn, lament..” These are actions, not states of being. So yes, when someone is sad, mourn with them, when someone is glad, celebrate with them, but here’s the verse I want you to really focus on, because it changed my life.
Proverbs 14:10 “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” The truth is this, only your heart can be offended. What is an offense to you, may not be an offense to another person, as with your joy. What fills your heart with joy (the state of being happy), is meant for you and you alone. It is an intimate moment with God, a gift from Him, specially marked for you. Others may be happy FOR you, but they can not be happy AS you, does that make sense? When we go in, expecting others to feel what we’re feeling, we’re having an unrealistic expectation of them. How could someone else POSSIBLY know why I was so happy to be able to wake up at 10am and go to the beach the other day? To me, it was such an accomplishment due to what I had been going through prior. Because I was going through a slump and had a hard time waking up with a purpose, the fact that I was able to get up while the sun was still in the sky, and actually go out, was something SO great to me. How could anyone feel what I felt in that moment? How could they have the same gathering of thoughts, memories, and feelings all building up to that epiphanal moment, as it was for me? In the same way, the things that make me angry, how could they possibly know me, have walked my path, and have experienced my experiences, to know why something offends me so? When we can learn that our emotions are our own, we will see improvements in the relationships we have with others, guaranteed.
John 16:22 (NSV) “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” You say someone steals your thunder, but I ask you, where did you put your thunder in such a place that someone could take it!? If your joy is from the Lord, no one can take that, becaues the Lord is INSIDE of you, and no one can take the Lord from you.
But here’s a further look into that scripture. If you read John 16:1-22, you’ll see that this is where Jesus is explaining to the diciples how he has to leave them (die on the cross) but that he will return, and they will be glad again, and THAT joy will be eternal. How incredible is that on the large scale? This is what Jesus has promised all of us who receive him as Lord and savior! He has already died, and now the joy he gives us in his resurrection is eternal, and no one can take that joy from you. What kind of joy is he talking about? An internal joy, that comes from the Holy Spirit inside of you, a well of living water (John7:38). It is a peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil4:7). Here’s how I see it on the bigger scale- There was once a time that God was among us (Adam and Eve hangin’ out with God before they ate the apple), then God was apart from us (old testament, wrath poured on man due to sin), but now Jesus saved us (reconciled us with God, God’s no longer angry EVER (Rom5:10, Col2:13-15, 2Corinth5:18, John3:17)), and Jesus dwells inside of us through the Holy Spirit, therefore now we can have eternal joy.
This is a joy apart from circumstance. Circumstance can cause you to be happy or sad, but joy is a state of being, coming from within, a peace amidst the storm that can come from no condition that life or people can provide us, but rather a peace and calmness from God Himself. So I encourage you! You can be joyful during your state of depression, did you know that? You can be at peace, knowing God will take care of you and see you through that season in your life, and you can be joyful in knowing that, while still waking up every day feeling like you have no purpose (which isn’t true, for one). So I just encourage you, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice” (Phil4:4).