When I started this blog, I said I’d be totally open, holding nothing back, and I feel like I should share something that’s really deep in my heart right now.
I lack self control. I don’t know why, but it’s just my greatest weakness. I love to make people happy to the point of it being bad for me. I don’t know when to say no, becasue I don’t want to bring shame to the other person, or I’m the instigator in the situation which is mostly the case. I instigate what I know I’ll later regret. Gemini trait? XD I dunno. But I have a problem with getting myself into situations that I know will lead itself no where good. My only hope is that this message will reach out to people who share similar problems. Only problem is, I don’t know much of what to say other than a confession of this being a problem. The following is my attempt to figure it out.
A friend of mine suggested having the other people hold you accountable for your boundaries, and being up front and honest with them in the beginning what those boundaries are. That is great advice. Yet what do I do when I’m the freakin instigator of most of those situations? I’ve sent boundaries before, told people “I won’t do ____.” Yet later I wind up doing just that. I was listening to Family Life Radio, and they were talking about living an “intentional” life. Doing one thing today to try to please God. So I said to myself this morning, specifically, that I would try to keep myself from drawing/writing something kinky, because I’ll be honest, that’s my biggest struggle. I feel like a 12 year old boy with no control over himself. XD So I made the attempt that today I would not entertain those ideas and would stay focused on God. So I went throughout my day, had an amazing meeting with someone from the church, felt inspired, felt great, life was going perfect, I had revelations, my day was going strong. Then in the blink of an eye, I fall into an emotion, and boom. I wound up doing something worse than I would have normally done. Wtf?
But I realized something. It constantly says throughout the word, not to rely on our own understanding but God’s (Prov 3:5), and that living by the law only yields dead/hollow works and failure (Heb 6:1 and all of the New Testament LoL). Jesus be-came our sins. I say that with emphasis, he became our sin and took it to the grave. Therefore, sin is not on us, sin is not in us, sin is not a part of us. Sin. is. dead. AND then Jesus ROSE from the dead, overcoming sin! Therefore sin is not imputed to us (Rom 5:13, Heb 9:14). If you have accepted Jesus but are living in sin, that sin is a lie. Receive that, and then walk in the way that God created you, because you are a new creation (2 Corinth 5:17), and what kind of creation is that? One that sin does not hold shackles on. How do we do that? Apparently, not by trying to, or working hard at, but rather by beliving and accepting that Jesus already did the “working hard at” on the Cross!
So I guess my conclusion is this: I need to stop trying harder to force myself not to do old patterns, and instead simply accept that I am a new creation, not bound by my old ways, not bound by the things I know are harmful to myself. I just need to focus on realizing more and more how much God loves me right now. If my eyes were to be truly opened to God’s love, grace and forgiveness, I wouldn’t be sitting here trying to live the law-based life.
Now all that being said, I don’t want people reading this and thinking I’m casting out judgement on everyone who does something kinky now and again. This blog is about something personal that I struggle with. To me, my kinks have become out of hand and a problem in my life. I believe that when I glorify them in a relationship, I am taking away from a greater more important love; agape love, unconditional love. I want to build that foundation in agape FIRST and foremost. Then, when I can be loyal to a person, I can give them all the dirtiest crevices of my imagination XDD But something I’ve learned is that it’s not just something to be flaunted with everyone. Not because that makes you a “bad person,” but because it causes hurt in other peoples’ lives. When you RP or draw something really intimate, you are creating intimacies with that person. I used to RP/draw that stuff with a bunch of people and they’d get jealous of the other people I’d draw with and I couldn’t understand why it mattered. It wasn’t like I was married to them! It was just art!… wasn’t it? What I learned is that no, when you make yourself vulnerable and share those most private parts of your life, you have created a bond with that person, and I don’t care how “open” you think you are, you will be jealous when you build up a real intimate relationship with someone, and they take that away from you to spend on someone else. Why can I so boldy make that claim? Because we are created for a personal intimate one-on-one relationship with God. He is a jealous God. He doesn’t want us worshiping other Gods, not because He’s mean and unpolitically correct, but because He knows that he can provide love and grace and freedom that nothing else can provide in our lives, because He created us in His image. Our relationship with God is how we should relate to other people. God created Eve for Adam. He did not create her for every man that would walk that earth. She was a gift. To. Adam. They were best friends, soulmates, partners, husband and wife, a team of two. They were intimate. Deep down in the very fibers of our body, we are wired to share intimacy with someone. Now I could make a whole other blog post about agape and marriage, but in short, this is why I believe it’s so important for me at least, to reign in my fetishes and kinks, so that I can be someone’s loyal partner and only theirs. Because that’s what I’d want out of my partner, and because I’ve learned that that’s what God wants with me. My full attention.
I made a promise to my partner, that I’d try to help him where he was lacking. I would do everything to build up his self confidence, to honor him, to make him feel respected, and to carry what he lacked. Part of me wanted to expect the same out of him, but instantly instead I thought “Wow… that is what God is saying to ME.” God was telling ME in that moment: “I want to carry you where you lack. I want to fill in your gaps, I want to be the strongarm for your weakness. I want to be the one that fills in your needs, and completes you. I want to be that one being in your life to do that just for you, because I love you. My heart is for. you.” And wow… that hit me. We can never out-love God. The deepest love we’ve ever felt for a person, and the deepest love we’ve ever received from a person, is only a mere fraction of the love that God has for us. That love in itself should be enough to put any bad habits to rest.
Sorry for the delay since my last post. Not much has been going on between now and then, but God’s placed some amazing people in my life lately, and though I feel like it’s been a bit slow and uneventful, I can feel God preparing me for something big soon to come. Maybe you’ve felt like that too? Like nothing’s been going on in your spiritual life, or in your life in general? Well don’t lose hope; God still has a plan for you. God doesn’t change, though the events in your life have. If you once felt like God was leading you somewhere, but you don’t see signs of it now, have faith in your conviction, and know that the silence may be because God is arranging the things around you to move in your life. Maybe you feel a bit discouraged, because things’ve been going to pot even after having an incredible moment at church, or amazing revelation in the Word, but suddenly things you’re doing just don’t seem to be fitting your identity in Christ? Well let me encourage you again, to know that you are the righteousness of God (2Corinth 5:21), and you can’t fall from His favor no matter what you’ve done. Check out this passage in Jeremiah 31:34: “No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, ‘Know the LORD,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest,” declares the LORD. “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” “
Can you imagine that? God doesn’t remember your sins any more. As in, He forgets them. He wipes them from His mind, so that He sees you as the perfect holy and blameless righteousness of God (Ephesians 1:4).
If you’re feeling sedentary in your life, like you need movement and change, may I challenge you to bless someone today? Just send someone a text or email them, or even give them a call, and let them know they are loved today. It could be your grandma, maybe a friend, maybe an old grade school friend that’s been on your mind lately, or even someone you haven’t thought of in a long while. Don’t miss out on this chance to be a blessing in their life, if even for a few seconds. The Kingdom is missing out when you aren’t there! You are needed today. You have a purpose, and maybe it’s just letting someone know that you care.
I’ve been listening to Joseph Prince’s “Secrets to Divine Success” (as well as a few of his other monthly CDs he offers on his site) and it’s hitting real close to home. It talks about how we can’t give into the guilt or self-condemnation of our sins, but we are freed from them by the grace of knowing God’s love for us. I feel like that’s been the ongoing theme all week for me.
I feel so testy lately, like I snap at the most fragile touch, and I don’t know why, but Prince’s theory is when we’re giving into sin (in my case anger u.u) that there’s self-condemnation in our life. So what am I feeling condemned over, I wonder? This is just me sorta, thinkin’ out loud via blog, but it really got me to thinking, bout what Prince said. When we’re falling into sin, it’s not because we’re bad, because God says we’re holy and blameless (eph 1:4) rather, because we’re under the belief that we have to make up for it, or that we can’t escape it. Augh, so what am I angsting over, I don’t even know!
This has just been one of those weeks, where I’m in the word, I’m hearin’ great revelations, I’m feeling enlightened, yet I’m stumbling over every tiny little thing, and being tested on what I just learned! I feel like it’s the pop quiz at the end of every class day! “Good, you’ve studied and learned LETS PUT IT TO THE TEST!” And I feel like I’m failing these tests, but that’s exactly the problem I have to learn to avoid! We can’t give into that feeling, because the moment we do, that’s when we actually failed….
So I’ll do what pastor Prince suggested, and when we screw up, confessing “I am the righteousness of God.” It feels so awkward coming from a mouth that two seconds ago was spouting anger, but I have to say it, because it’s the truth in the word (Phil 3:9)
Man… Actually, how quickly God gives insight to those who seek! (luke 11:9) In trying to google a good scripture to back that previous paragraph up, I came across the phrase in relation to our righteousness: “Given by grace, and received by faith” (Daily Rhema)… Man. That pretty much answers everything I need to know. The reason I don’t feel it, is cuz I’m not believing it enough. I ‘know’ it, but I’m not receiving it, because I haven’t written that on my heart enough.
Funny how something can be so simple, yet SO hard to keep on our hearts? “Jesus loves me this I know,” such an overused and contrite little song, yet how much power is in that song… That’s really the answer, but that verse in the song isn’t enough. Perhaps it comes off as so contrite, because of the nature of the verse “Jesus loves me this I know.” How much more would we have benefited growing up instead, with “Jesus loves me, this I receive”? Then again… that makes for a rather wretched rhyme scheme ._.