Revived, Redeemed, Reconciled

I hope that this is an encouragement to anyone who has pursued a calling God has for you, and are now struggling with the silence of action, wondering if God really called you in the first place.

So as you all know, a few months ago, I gave up my 7-year career in doing commissions to pursue God’s will for my life. It was difficult for me to quit a life of instant security for an unknown calling of God. Here is an update as to what’s been going on in my life and what I’m feeling.

For a while now, I had been growing bitter about the calling. I kept seeing things I needed to buy or wanted to buy for others (because its the holidays and I’m a gift-giver!) and would say “Welp. I COULD afford that if I was doing commissions :-/ ” It wasn’t really in good spirit. I have become very Scrooge-like this holiday because of my extreme lack of money and it has turned me quite bitter. I know this isn’t God’s best for me, and not what He intended to come out of this, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

Well, I finally got off my stubborn butt and began to search in the Word for the answers. And this verse mysteriously began to pop up each time I flipped my various MANY Bibles open, as well as popping up on K-love, Joseph Prince’s message series, and even my church’s sermons ALL IN ONE WEEK: Phil 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Kid you not. It was like. God couldn’t beat me over the head with it enough that week! I would pray before opening the Bible and say “God, give me a verse.” And it would either fall upon that page, or the very words “Philippians 4:6” would come into my head. Prior to that, this year’s verse theme has been “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalms 46:10). And man. Let me tell you what came as a result of this.

I believe in 2012, due to my excessive input in a relationship I was in, I had given up so much of myself that I lost myself. I have changed so much for the worse, and then had revelations that taught me from my mistakes and thusly changed me for the better. In the end, the once very HIGH STRUNG self, the business-driven, hyperbolically intense self-expectation self has been forced into a laid back state due to defeats I have experienced all year. I have learned so much about mellowing out, about relaxing, and most importantly this: It is not up to me to run my life. That is God’s job and desire. My job is to enjoy the life God has freely given to me. My friends, that is grace. It goes against all human logic and society’s expectations, but then again, isn’t that the way our glorious God works?

Many have questioned my decision to quit commissions. Family, friends, clients, and even my pastor has questioned if this was truly God’s will in my life. You know? We can’t ever be 100% certain, but we know this: If you FEEL like God has called you to do something, and you do this with a willing and loving heart as a sacrifice FOR God, then He will NOT overlook that! That’s an expression of faith. What I am doing, whether God had intended to tell me this or not, is my offering to God. I am giving up commissions FOR HIM, and after some kicking and screaming, am doing it WILLFULLY and JOYFULLY for Him! I believe that is pleasing to God, and my faith will be rewarded. My needs are always met! Whether I’m doing this expression of faith or not, because we can’t EARN God’s grace. But quitting commissions is the way I have decided to show my love for God, and I must stick to it, regardless of what the masses say. Many say it’s irresponsible, many are worried for me. I feel like Jesus in the garden of temptation. There’s a lot of wise people and trusted people asking me to reconsider if that’s what God has really told me. A large portion of me wants to be like “okay maybe not. I’ll go back to making mad-money on commissions!” but it doesn’t FEEL right deep in my soul, and THAT is the Holy Spirit talking. So I push proudly and gratefully onwards towards the goal. As Phil 3:13-14 says “Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Forgetting what is behind: letting go of the fact that I used to make mad-money. I must strain forward to WIN THE PRIZE that God has called me to! And lastly, James 5:12 “Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No,” no, or you will be condemned.” This verse reminds me to STICK TO MY GUNS about my decision lest I condemn myself by going back on my own word to God.

So do not sit and question what God said before. If you believe it in your heart, then what you are doing is an act of faith. If you don’t believe it anymore, and are forcing yourself to do it just out of principle, you are operating out of the law, not grace. And anything not done in faith is sin (Rom14:23). For further reading on this subject, read Romans 14.

Man, God is a good God indeed! I know it seems every blog entry seems to begin with that, but it’s every time that I feel lead to post, it’s due to an extreme moment of grace…

I think I had my first or second moment of being “baptized in the Holy Spirit,” this evening. To explain what that means, as I understand it; Once you accept Jesus as your savior, you have inside of you, the fullness of the Holy Spirit. You can gain no more, and you can lose none of it. It is like the fullness of God in a dam inside of you. Baptism of the Holy Spirit is like breaking that dam and letting it all flow everywhere. It’s like complete immersion in the Holy Spirit, like a physical dunking in a way… I never fully understood what that was like until tonight.

A couple of friends of mine had been going through a rough patch in their relationship, and I felt like I wanted to help so much, but like always, I didn’t know what to say or do. As I’ve grown to understand, that immense feeling of empathy doesn’t come from me. That’s the Holy Spirit inside of me looking at this damage and crying out for them. Having no idea what else to do, I simply took a moment to pray to God about it, just asking Him to speak through me, to give them a word, or anything He wanted to do to help them- I wanted to be a part of it. After a moment of prayer, all I got was “open your mouth and speak, and I will flow.”

It’s a scary thing when you go to face a giant, and all God says is “when you go to fight. just open your mouth.” Our human nature is to want the full answer, to go “THEN what, God!?” But God wants us to trust that He will walk us step-by-step, and our only duty is to take the first one! So I did. I believe God had some good stuff to say, and after it all, the two friends of mine got to talk while I remained in the background (via Skype), praying in the Spirit. When one prays in the Spirit (or praying in tongues) it’s just a matter of physically speaking babble, but praying with your heart. Your spirit has secret things unknown to even your conscious, that it wants to tell the Lord, and by praying in the Spirit, it bypasses the conscience and goes straight from heart-to-God.

I had such an incredible experience unlike anything I had before… As I began to pray, I didn’t even know what I was praying or really thinking, but as one friend was asked to speak, my language changed, and I began to swell up with this great feeling of… I don’t know how to explain it… anxiety? More like, a releasing of a great sorrow, begin given up to God. She didn’t speak, but I believe that her spirit spoke through me to God. Crazy, innit?? Well it doesn’t end there…

For a few days now, I’ve been praying over a recent relationship of my own, and during my friends’ prayer, they brought me and my significant other up as well. At that point, I asked God what His will was for us two, and what I heard in response was… “Come with me. I have something amazing to show you.” It was weird. I was already praying in the Spirit, I was alone in the dark, I felt at peace with Him already, and I had just recently come off of a 21 day fast where I just experienced fellowship with Him, so I asked, “…How? I am already with you.” And again, I felt the calling “No, come with me, and I will show you something amazing.” Not knowing how, or what that even meant, I was just like, “Okay…”

Then -BAM-

I just felt like I had been taken to a whole other level! I can’t explain the feeling. Not quite “out of body experience,” but just this crazy depth… I felt just swept away as I continued to pray in the Spirit, and as I did God began to show me the spirit natures of my two friends. It’s also hard to explain, but I just had these mental visages of the man in the relationship being a fire, a stubborn, determined strength. Then the woman, I felt this soft spoken peace, this humble and gentle, sweet nature, but such a silent peace that was really powerful. The image I got is hard to explain, but like gentle round, rolling waves, but grey. I was amazed, so I asked rather selfishly, to show me the spirit of my love interest, because I desperately wanted to know if that’s where God wanted me. It was hard to see, it felt almost hidden, still mysterious, but God was telling me, “There is more to him than you know.” I was taken aback. The image I got was of a barely open oyster in a rocky ocean surrounded by crashing waves. Then I felt God saying “There is more to you than he knows, and than you even know.” I wanted to know more, and strongly felt God say “Come together and abide in me, and I will show you both something amazing.”

Man. Never before had I ever felt anything like this in my life, and SOoooooo very rarely do I ever get to hear God’s voice so booming and loud in my ear, especially accompanied by such visuals. This was no doubt, what it must be like to be “baptized in the Holy Spirit,” this complete immersion into another level where God and you are just so intimately close, that God can begin to show you the things and secrets He has planned for you.

Do you feel like you can’t hear God? Are you praying on something in FULL faith, but just not knowing how, or why it’s going to happen? Friends, I challenge you to really begin to spend time with Christ. He desires an intimate relationship with you, like a friend who has a secret garden. He has things to show you, and He desires for you to have full knowledge of that which you ask for. How you can achieve that, has everything to do with that one-on-one time you have with Him. It’s not something you have to work hard at, it’s not something you have to be “holy” to do. Just simply spend time with Him, in whatever way that looks like for you. Maybe it’s spending more time in the Word, or maybe it’s putting away that tv, computer, or video game system, and just sitting in silent meditation. Maybe you’ve been talking to God so much lately that He hasn’t gotten a chance to speak! So maybe for you, it may look like just sitting in silence and listening. Whatever that thing is, I encourage you to listen closely to the secrets God has to tell you by spending that time, and just “going with Him.”